All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
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Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct