When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
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I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.