I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
You Might Also Like
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer