A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
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me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed