My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
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The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Trumpy Cat
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
How do you milk an almond?
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.