This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
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“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…