‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
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Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Passwords are more important than ever.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*