WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
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John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Lmbo
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
HR said no more nunchucks.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping