Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
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Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Everyone’s family
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent