CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
You Might Also Like
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Bit chilly again tonight.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.