He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
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Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
We’ve all been there…
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids