Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
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neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Friday
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son