Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
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48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.