Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
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a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.