•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
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I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.