Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
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Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy