[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
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Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings