white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
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I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Meeeee too!