ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
You Might Also Like
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work