Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
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The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Jogging
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
No Google it does not
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?