I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
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google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them