HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
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I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Who did it better?
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids