*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
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When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
The symmetry is uncanny.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂