It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
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As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.