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me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.