I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
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#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
taking June’s advice to heart
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit