What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
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Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.