I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
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What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
*ernest hemingway voice*
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”