I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
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Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
found this cool rock hiking today
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?