Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
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Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me