Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
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EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
How do you like your Corgi?
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
The A string on my guit_r is flat
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place