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I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?