[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
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So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.