Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
You Might Also Like
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
j o i m p
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?