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If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer