I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
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My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*