A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
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I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
we’re gonna need another temp
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.