Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
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A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.