Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
You Might Also Like
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.