Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
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My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I occasionally drink every single night.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire