I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
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The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”