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ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
That’s fair
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?