So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
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Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
“What?”
– Jude
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure