*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
You Might Also Like
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
uncle dave has been through hell
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Why soy sad?
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST