Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
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I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
catch me on valentine’s day like
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.