me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
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I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
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6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
is this a warning or an offer?
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Flowers bee like
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose