English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
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Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
checking out some reviews of my local library
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
#gardening
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.