If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
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Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
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it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!