I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
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why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
They did not think through this water fountain
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.