Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
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Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.